Monday, March 15, 2010

Why'd I Kiss a Girl?



Earlier tonight (or yesterday, I should say, as it is 12:05 AM) I was working on book notes for my Psychology class. I was reading about Freud's psychoanalytic approach towards personality, and how he believed that our personalities are fueled by sexual energy that we take and convert into energy for doing worthwhile activities and completing productive tasks. But it got me wondering, especially when the book began to speak about Freud's psycho sexual, personality development stages. The last stage was dubbed the genital stage, where puberty causes one to develop sexual feelings or attractions towards others.

Then, as it always does, my mind began wandering through the endless meadows of thoughts unthunk (yes, I know unthunk isn't really a word). The day before, I'd attended a party that promised to be one of those classic "rite of passage" high school parties where one picks up chicks, is introduced to the smell and taste of alcohol; all that. While the party did not accomplish any of this (I felt bad for the security guard that had to stand outside, in the cold, while standing the laughter of mostly sober kids) and undeniably "blew", there was a given degree of JAMA large enough to allow the JAMA to be seen and appreciated.

Do you know what JAMA is? Well, basically, it's a term made by my friends to refer all the hookups at parties, all the flirtations that go on at said parties, all the relationships adolescents have, all the "sex" they have (which in reality, mostly only refers to kissing, making out, and no actual intercourse), and all that.

And yes, I know it's supposed to be a Cuban slang term for food.

But anyway; there was some noticeable flirtation going on, even some cheating (gasp!); some touchy touchy here, some nip and tucking there (nip and tucking?).

And so I began thinking about all that that went on at the party, all the while keeping Freud's words in the back of my head. What fuels our sexual attractions towards others, really?

Because to me, when I was only two or three years younger, the idea of kissing wasn't something that came to me because of sexual necessity, but instead simply because it was a part of human culture. When I kissed my now ex-girlfriend (I hate that term, but I don't want people to think I'm in denial or something) for the first time (which on that note, was my first kiss), I liked it, and I repeated it a few more times after that, but the sexual pleasure or attraction or energy that was supposed to fuel my wanting to kiss her didn't come until after the fact, when I realized how sexually pleasing kissing was.

After that came the French kissing, and the touchy touchy and the nip and tucking, but that's a story for an 18+ blog (and no, it did not all happen on the same day).

The only reason I wanted to kiss her was because I liked her a lot and because I'd learned through classic, infantile observation of the world around me that kissing was the way people showed affection to each other. Oh, and because all my other friends that had boyfriends or girlfriends did it too.

Maybe she felt the same way. I should ask her.

I like to think that I've matured way too much since then, and that I can now contemplate my former (or ongoing) naiveté with a higher degree of understanding, intelligence, and objectivity. But all I can see is that, either my ex-girlfriend made my sex flower blossom, or I'm forgetting how I felt before the kiss. In any case, I've got to finish my notes.

"Que jama".

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Sunday, March 7, 2010

Upcoming Doc Teaser #2

Hi! I've put together a new 40 second teaser for my upcoming documentary about the lives of my closest friends (which unfortunately still doesn't have a title!) Enjoy!

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Love for File Copying

 
 There's utter joy in waiting for Windows to finish copying files to a second hard disk; such indescribable sexiness and appeal in looking at that progress bar move slowly on.

Yes, I'm sitting here in the glow of a five-dollar lamp waiting for my editing computer to finish copying my 60+ gigabytes of video footage and projects to another hard drive; so that I can fix the bad sectors on the drive they’re on.

If that was too technical for you, then be glad that you're living a life of blissful ignorance in respect to us tech geeks. Some of us are offended when people don't know something we consider to be obvious - I myself am amazed when people don't understand disk defragmentation (I mean, come on!) - but a life that doesn't know about computer technology to its fullest is a better one. Why?

Because when you know too much about computers, you tend to tinker with and possibly break your own computer in the process. It's the tech guy's burden.

But I find my affinity to computers, and to video, and to blogging, and to all that good stuff - to be the substance of life, in a sense. In other words, these are trades and hobbies and jobs that keep a mind occupied, that save it from the heartbreaking task that is thinking about all that which is not physically existent, straightforward, and ultimately black and white – about emotions, about choices, about personality, about oneself.

Having something to believe in that isn't the love of a woman, or the friendship of a colleague; having something to believe in that is defined by your terms, having something to believe in that is tangible and not abstract - is beautiful, because unlike people and emotions, they never go away until you don't want them anymore. Whenever I see artists striving to perfect every last detail on their latest masterpiece, whenever I see musicians fingering their saxophone solo on the bus, whenever I see math lovers crunching numbers and pretending to rip off their hairs as they struggle to find the missing coefficient - whenever I see that, I see souls that with direction, I see people that do not doubt the validity of their friendships, that do not dwell on the significance of how the person they like talked to them this morning at school, of how they should’ve reacted when the random girl in the hallway gave them flowers, of whether their friends’ negative, but unbelievably true comments about their work ethic were truly out of love and care; of whether their 5th period class really did like their latest paintings.

I see people blinded by honest, working obsession to their trade. I see strong-willed people guided by the wise hand of their passion; I see people unmoved by the turmoil of thought that keeps the Thinker thinking.

I see what I want to be; sometimes.

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Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Prince of Tides


The following are my thoughts; both about and related to, the 1993 Barbara Streisand film (of much acclaim) titled "The Prince of Tides". It relates very little of the film's content and storyline, and is this not to be considered an official movie review.

I just recently finished watching “The Prince of Tides” in my Psychology II course. As the next in the series of movies we’ll be watching related to our area of study, it was a great follow up to “Nell”, which I talked about last time.


"The Prince of Tides", doesn’t take a strong, independent character that is made into a victim of the evils of modern-day society (as did “Nell”), but instead places a faltering personality embodied by middle-aged man, Tom Wingo (played by Nick Nolte) as its central plot. The movie is based on the book of the same name written by Pat Conroy in 1986. Tom Wingo grew up in the Southern part of the United States during the earlier decades of the 20th century. He was accompanied through childhood by two siblings - Savannah, whom has been traumatized interminably, it seems, by a case of sexual assault that Tom also endured; and Luke, the heroic gun slinging brother that serves as the hero of both the movie, and of his siblings. An impulsive character, his personality is blamed by Tom as the cause of his death at a young age, one which visibly affects Tom as he loses the hero that protected him and Savannah from the violent antics of their parents.


Tom's parents, on that note, were a rough couple that often fought. This took a toll on Tom. His father was very much like him - a violent, black-and-white person both in terms of physical actions and of thoughts - but as the movie progresses, Tom is depicted as the wiser man for being able to explore, accept, and express his feelings. In other words, Tom's father is the angry, violent character that Tom wishes to be the antithesis of. In several parts of the movie, flashbacks delivering scenes of daily life in the Wingo family are shown, and they serve to illustrate the nature of his family. In one scene, they're all gathered around the table eating lunch, when Tom's father begins to pound the table when he doesn't like his food. He screams at his wife, telling her that he works all day and all he wants when he comes home is a good American meal. It's a typical scenario - a high-octane, "abusive" husband - but the other half of it isn't typical at all. You'd think that the man's wife would be a frail soul that would be made this way for the purpose of accentuating the violent nature of her husband, but this is not the case. She does not scream or hit or pound the dinner table when she's angry, but instead expresses her feelings of resentment through words and sneaky treacheries. And so, when her husband demands a better meal, she enters the kitchen and fools him into thinking that a pile of dog food sandwiched in between layers of salad and fruit is actually the good American meal he demanded.


He’s fooled into eating dog food.

It's this sly, underhanded nature of hers that makes her a worthy competitor to the impulsiveness of her husband, but also adds to the caustic nature of Tom's family.

And so, growing up, modeling the hard-headedness of his father, he keeps all of this bottled up, never speaking about the caustic nature of his youth. H never speaks about how his father would beat his mother, he never talks about how his mother would flirt with the rich man that lived in the city (whom she ended up marrying) - not even to his own wife and children it seems. It's never fully established how much of Tom's life and secrets his wife Sally (played by Blythe Danner) knows about, but considering that she criticizes him for being such a closed person that loves to avoid serious conversation by always changing the subject matter and laughing everything off with a wry joke, it can be assumed that she doesn't know much.

Pat Conroy's original 1986 novel.
Tom’s closed nature, however, is challenged when his sister Savannah - now living in New York - attempts to commit suicide yet again, and her psychiatrist Susan Lowenstein (played by Barbara Streisand) calls on Tom's help to understand Savannah’s personality and mindset by getting to know facts about her family, her and Tom's relationship, etc. Lowenstein (whom in a somewhat cliché way ends up being a love interest for Tom, though it can be understood) is the agent behind Tom's learning.

What is he learning? To express himself. To not keep things bottled up, to understand that the wiser thing to do is to let it all out to a trustworthy person. To be serious about things. Tom's personality at the beginning of the movie is one that is very cynical and witty but also cannot bring itself to deal with life's problems. Towards the end, however, Tom is like a child that's matured into adulthood; that adulthood being one that maturely deals with life’s struggles and is not afraid to appreciate the past, no matter how horrible it may have been.

And that’s something I agree with so much; I smile at the notion of thinking that one of the film’s life lessons is this. I have friends whom have had past experiences, people, or other things in their lives that they’d rather not talk about. I have been blessed to be able to enjoy the beautiful life I’ve lived, yet this does not blind me to the possible misfortunes of others. At the same time however, the more trivial you make past experiences, the harder you’re making it for yourself to deal with them. If you can come to a point where you can discuss them comfortably with friends and family, and consider them things in your life that just happened because they happened, you are doing yourself a favor. Don’t hide these traumas and past misfortunes like a secret is hidden from the public. It’s the mark of a strong person to be able to do this, and the mark of weak one to fail to do so.


Am I strong or weak, then? Well, I don’t have the answer to that. For now, let’s go back to the film.

The greatest example of change in Tom is found in the scene in the movie where Lowenstein asks about a word that Savannah continuously repeats. I don't recall the word at the moment - thus, this can't be considered a proper movie review - but it's one that relates to the sexual assault and home invasion that Tom, Savannah, Luke, and their mother had the misfortune of having to experience on a rainy night.

This is how it happened - Tom, Savannah, and their mother are home dancing to some properly Southern style music, when three men enter the house and proceed to rape each of them, but soon enough, Luke enters the scene with his rifle and kills two of the men, while his mother knifes the third one as he’s distracted by the gunfire. Blood is left splattered all over the walls.

Nick Nolte, now just a tad older.
The scene is chilling and traumatizing (no extremely graphical content is shown, though - thank God) which is good, because it allows the viewer to feel the effect of the experience on Tom, justifying his breaking of character short afterwards, when he sheds tears like never before and rests his head on the psychiatrist's lap.

There are many other aspects, subplots, and themes to this movie that would need a project to explore. I've decided to write instead about that which left is mark most heavily upon me after watching the film. At an age where the struggle of life gradually becomes harder than just worrying about getting straight A's in school, seeing a movie in which the weaknesses of someone's personality are addressed and beautifully resolved, is helpful. It's a captivating film that is also excellent in terms of photography and production.

It's one of those films that provoke both the mind and the heart, one that shows faults in the human condition and reminds us that alleviating them is possible. It's beautiful - because it's about us. It's about us humans; it's about our strengths and our weaknesses.

It's about self.

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